i've never felt like this before.

help. i don't know. i really don't know. i'm feeling so upset. i've never been this upset before. it's even worser than a heartache. i don't know what to feel!
HELP.

* * *


it's been a really long time since i wrote a song.. \: i'm really this fucking depressed to write a song. usually i'll just put it in a poem.. but... this is some kind of feeling i've never felt before.. or maybe it's been too long since i felt like this.. omg.. (actually i know why.. but i refuse to admit it... >.> i'm falling apart...)
... i shan't bother to fight for happiness anymore. it doesn't look good on me either.

i'm not okay, i promise.

* * *

Portrait of a Lonely Girl
image by: shamelessidiocy
lyrics by: dinah



verse1:
the pieces of the puzzle are all coming together now,
& she finally sees his denial as a light bringer.
back when he helped her stand on her own two feet,
she yearned to be like him someday.

verse2:
now she has a case like hers, & without thinking
he was off in her care, his way to the light.
ne'er thought she'd see the day where she will walk out,
just like how the previous one did.

prechorus:
i guess she finally accepted the truth that
she doesn't belong.
& strange as it sounds, she
can't help herself.

chorus:
she wants so much to feel wanted, needed.
why can she help others but not herself?
drifting around will probably break her down further
but there are some times where
choices never existed, & just like this
to be forgotten is inevitable.

verse3:
it's just a matter of time before she's obliterated,
& soon, it will be too late when they remember.
her existence so minute, so meaningless...
but this path she has chosen... she can't regret.

prechorus:
i guess she finally believes that
it's reality, so cold.
& fourteen years has been a time too long
for her to realise.

chorus:
why is it so hard to help one's ownself?
she can't keep running; her bones they ache.
complaints are no excuse;
she has accepted her fate..
there are choices, but not everyone has them.
tell me now, where do you go,
when you have gone too far?

bridge:
her feelings are never shown,
her dreams are always shattered.
she's slowly losing it, she can't keep up with everyone.
she really doesn't belong,
she's slowly losing faith,
fallen from grace, & drifting too far out...

chorus:
she wants to belong, but she has no choice
for path she has taken is of no return.
the meaning to live has changed too much,
for her to even choose which one.
is it really that hard, to be..
what she has chosen?

chorus:
i tried to ease the atmosphere in the way i know best.
wil i always be called a retard for that?
worthless, pathetic, stupid, careless..
why is it so hard to be me?
does no one know what it even feels like
to be a light bringer?
will anyone ever know what it feels like
to be me?

closing:
by the time i'm done with
helping you,
it will be too late to turn back
to find me...
because you would've already
forgotten me.


* * *

"open your eyes, & look outside,
FIND THE REASON WHY..
you've been rejected.
& now you can't find,
WHAT YOU'VE LEFT BEHIND."

nobody's home
avril lavigne

let's burn this filthy town straight into the ground, with our dirty looks & glances.

dinokor and i went to find girlf today. because he missed us so much so we went to find him. yeh, we miss my girlf too, so :) yay, for the dinopigs. we all met today. haha.

dinokor & i met at cck. then we took a bus down and had lunch before meeting girlf. the busride was so fun please. the bus was SO empty. ^^~ girlf went home to change before meeting us again, so dinokor and i ddred 1 round. we kind of like wasted time in pwp, but as least we had fun; we met each other.. & i'll miss my girlf so much when he leaves for hk.. like dinokor will miss him too :(

haha. we went so spastic today.. i didn't know girlf would like THAT mirror too pl0x. (we even took photos while we were on the escalator!)

{ they forgot abt me, : (


{ MANS.


{ & spasticism.


after that, dinokor & i headed back to cck.



he sent me off to the busstop & went off to have dinner with his friend. haha. & i went home to talk to my girlf. :)

reach out for the sunrise~!

& if you really want to know ;)

haha. jeffrey's mother invited me to walkwalk with him on sunday. ^^" so paiseh cans. almost had to HAVE lunch with them ^^" guess our plan failed eh, girlf? so sorry. >.<"~ anyway. holidays are here. \: i guess it's gonna be boring again? okay maybe not this time, i have my girlf to accompany me! :) but he's going away on the 7th. until the 12th. HAI~ i guess i'll be talking to the wall then. ^^~


OKAY IM SO LAZY TO TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED =.= I WANT TO MAKE A BLOGSKIN NOW.
BYEBYE.

now i'm picking up the pieces from spending all these years putting my heart back together.

HELLO GUYS I'M BACK :) actually i haven't been anywhere, except places with 100% fun. xD i think i'll be updating my blog WITH PICTURES tonight. but i still have to help girlf with his literature homework, and write a story for benjamin. ^^"~ okay, i guess i won't be sleeping tonight, ;) but i don't have a choice, do i?

TODAY.
had to go over to girlf's house to abduct him. dinokor supported me all the way, but he forgot to bring his phone out, so girlf and i hoped so hard that we would be able to find dinokor at jp;D so it's a huge relief, and we reached at 11.30am. but dinokor dropped a blue note, :( so sad pl0x. he looked so ghastly :o girlf, dinokor & i ddred until 1plus. we headed down to somerset by the green line, which was SO CROWDED. mans! =3="
we had to change trains at raffles place, so we had to wait for the next train. i was planning to get our pictures but SOME LJB DE AUNTIE STAND AT THE GLASS THERE READING HER NEWSPAPER LIKE HER GRANDFATHER'S STATION AH, SO BIG FUCK, BLOCK OUR VIEW, THEN CANNOT TAKE PICTURE TOGETHER. ^@#^)%&!@$*@)&^#)%^ (sounds so like lydia. haha, oh wells *rolls eyes* ;D) then dinokor laugh lor. haha.
well at least i managed to take a picture with girlf.

{ so sexy pl0x.


the reason for going to somerset was because we wanted to neo. as per usual xD here you go~ so sorry dinokor, made you take the neo with us :( but it's just so normal to take if you've never taken with girlf & i before.. =x
lol, girlf & dinokor seriously looked like my 2 escorts. hee. love you two okay. =3=~





after neo-ing we went down to dbg since i promised pinktard we would be there, but upon arrival, pinktard was nowhere to be seen :( so sad. so dinokor decided that girlf had better be on his way home because i abducted him.. had to return him you know~
& DINOKOR MOLESTED MY GIRLF :( HE WENT TO HUG MY GIRLF NVR HUG ME :( then my girlf also nvr hug me. mans. -.-"

after girlf left, dinokor and i slacked awhile more at dbgzonex before we went our separate ways. he suggested that i go to my girlf's house and slack.. since it was only 3.30pm, too early to return to that house. ^.^"~
met girlf again at pwp, 4.10pm & ddred.. lol, so fucked up & no mood to play so we just failed the song. and girlf brought me to his house to slack lors.. but i went to read 'the crucible' again because he was studying that book for literature. the other book that i'd read wasn't this profound okays! maybe because last time i was more in the mood for reading :o hee.
i skipped act 1, 2 & 3. jumped ahead to 4 but still didn't understand everything. the facts are all jumbled in my head because i read that book when i was 11. how to rmb huh. my photographic memory doesn't record much words. =3=~ (& girlf killed a mosquito for me{: aww!)
i confessed to girlf that i couldn't rmb much =x so we just talked crap.. well i think it IS crap for him.. but in my context we were speaking SERIOUS HUMAN LANGUAGE. = = ~
he sent me off at 6.25pm, and i deliberately missed bus36 because i wanted to collect something from girlf, which he owed me since 22sept :) and i got it! i got my hug from girlf!.. after much hesitation cuz i kept asking if he was serious or not. HAHAHAHAHA. nvm, at least we got our hug. ^.^~

{ the clouds were so beautiful






FRIDAY.
BUHBYE MRS LIM. WE WILL MISS YOU, LOADS.

:( mrs lim has left! i don't know why, i just feel sad! zomfg... i'm so happy our class got her a bouquet. $30, please.


- red&yellow symbolises 2e4's congrats on her promotion.
- red&white symbolises the unity she's brought about in ADSS.
- dark pink stands for our gratitude towards her.
- light pink represents the gentle & caring nature in her. though we don't see it, in our hearts we actually know.
& there are 6 roses, as she has had ADSS for 6 years. sorry, but i think only she will understand ADSS the best. :(





THURSDAY.
2e4 has once again won the newspaper collection thingy. i think it was enxin who said.. we didn't actually win 3rd place, we just won because they recognise our efforts. i kinda agree with that, because there was another class who got 600+kg of newspaper while we only had 500kg flat. well.. that isn't too bad, considering we collected so much in a day. :o
we won $200 dollars for ourselves & we planned a barbeque xD



{ our mascot!


{ vivian's house!


& since 2e4's gonna split up :( which i think i really feel sad, cuz i'm gonna miss the perfume smells in class =.= which sometimes i think is kinda fragrant =x AAAAHH, i feel so depressed. help.

{ CANDID ROFL


{ & THE ACTUAL ONE



enxin and i went to buy the bouquet for mrs lim. :( okay so sad.
the class only contributed $17.50 so enxin and i had to cough up $10 more to buy the bouquet and other accessories. mans. t-.-

{ we decided to vitasoy everytime we went to cwp tgt. (whao~ so big)


we spent like halfhour at the florist's cuz we couldn't decide on the colour of the 6 roses. lols. = = i think we made so much noise in the shop cans. xD but what to do, keesiao de brothers~ hee.






MONDAY.
nothing much happened. our post exam activities were like so lame.. we had to make up a song&dance and sculpture that has a relation with the environment. brenda went spastic early in the morning cans. because mr chong provided us with materials

to make the sculpture.. & brenda found toy soldiers.. she went to play with it.
one of the soldiers was headless & there was this *special* one that was brenda's *winner* so she used the *winner* to castrate the headless soldier. wtf so lame = =

{ BRENDA HOW OLD ARE YOU?







& roza splatted paint on the school's book of published writers story. (i have 2 stories in there[: & 2 is the maximum, hee. must read okay! benjamin said it was nice!)


then we went to the computer lab for some survey thingy. brenda.. you know she's lame enough to go to lame websites such as y8.com to play stupid flash games ... but they entertain lame people like her so it's okay.. but she infected enxin cans.

{ you see la. i got nth to say.




LAST MINUTE NOTICE ON NEWSPAPER COLLECTION.
(enxin and i saw a DOG when we went to buy vivian's chips)

{ i love dogs :(


wtf, sec1s combed all the 700+ blocks. so kaopeh luhs. made us run over to the 600+ side. thank God the residents there had newspapers, otherwise our efforts would've been wasted. :(
the first round wasn't that bad, everyone had the energy. vivian & charles are right; you should never stop what you have started. it would be a waste.






i guess that's all that is fun. the rest are like -.-" so i won't be telling you. haha.

i guess it's gonna have to hurt, i guess i'm gonna have to cry.

- sorry i have anti-hilighting code ^^"~

Pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel about you:
1. Jeffrey
2. Enxin
3. Andrea
4. Lydia
5. Vivian
6. Brenda
7. Rossalina
8. FANGS-
9. charlie~
10. jasmine

1. Who is no.7 having relationship with:
TAUFIK :)

2. Who is no.9 having relationship with:
NONE AT THE MOMENT.

3. If no.9 and no.10 are to be together, will it be a good thing:
LOL IMPOSSIBLE PL0X~

4. What about no.1 and no.5:
YOU WANT TO DIE AH! JEFFREY IS MY GIRLF CANS.

5. What is no.3 studying:
THE SAME THING AS ME :)

6. When was the last time u chat with no.6:
TODAY.

7. Does no.4 work:
LOL NO. MAYBE CONTRIBUTING MONEY TO KFC FOR EATING THERE OFTEN.

8. Does no.8 have any cousin in his/her school:
I DONT KNOW, GO ASK HER :)

9. Will you woo no.2:
OH NO, GAWDDAMNIT = =

10. How about no.5:
MY FATHER LAH = =

11. Does no.2 have any siblings:
YES, ONE SMALL IRRITATING BRAT :)

12. How did you get to know no.3 and no.4:
CHURCH! YAY.

13. Where does no.1 live at:
IN MY HEART CANS. :) dont let you guys stalk him.

14. How did you get to know no.2:
ADSS.

15. Is no.5 the sexist person in the world:
MAYBE :) but i think roza's sexier pl0x.

live your life until love is found, 'cause love's gonna get you down.

:) i'll get to wear home clothes to school tmr. i'm still wondering if i even want to. :o hee. i dont care anyways, i'm talking to my girlf abt our dinokor :)


school finished at 1, like the whole week. i skipped meeting =x lol. and went home to prepare to meet girlf :) he said i sounded sad on the phone when he called me. okay, well i guess i was, o.o..
obviously we went to ddr.. cuz that's what we always do. & also because this might be my girlf's last time ddring before he leaves for hongkong :( T.T i'm gonna be SO SAD cans! (WAH, HE SAID ONLY 1 WEEK LEH~ OMG CANS)

we tapped 3 credits, and 2 other girls tapped 3 too.. & they asked us to let them go first cuz "they were in a rush." you see, if you're in a rush, you wouldn't have tapped 3 credits. -.- so lame pl0x. what to do, they're only 9, 10 years old. i guess they haven't matured :)
anyway, we saw david, and asked him to ddr with girlf;D see i'm so nice pl0x. and sorry lol, david looks so cute when he ddrs. like dinosaur.. xD am i weird, or am i weird!
i smsed him, asking him to be my dinokor. then girlf also asked. hee. i don't have a pic of him, but i will get it once he replies my sms. ^^~

sorry for such a boring post cuz i'm talking to my girlf & eating at the same time~ cannot think properly you know ^^~

look at all these plastic people, they're dying inside.

lol, i was so fascinated by this please! xD im serious, i just kept clicking. okay then i found the start & end of the loop.
enjoy!



i'll share the joy with ya ;D
Put The Big Red Button on your site


& version 2 of the juicebox. i did a better job. haha.
click here!
^^ i'll fix the othr one.

lights will guide you home.

whew, i'm so tired. i promised to make a new blogskin for girlf from scratch. & i did it. ^^ with help from eggtard(though it wasn't so helpful lol) i made it ^^ would you like to view it? oh yes.

rawr, i'm a juicebox
romance, ouch

do give me comments okay;) i've already given eggtard the juicebox one. haha.. i'm so tired please.. ;) so happy though...

omg i sound so gay. =.=

you're on my mind as i drown in my own tears.

VITASOY IS LOVES, PLEASE

yes people, i went out today, to meet my girlf. why? hmm, cuz i miss my girlf lor. LOL, no luh, okay, maybe partially. okay, maybe fully. oh whatever, i went out to ddr with my girlf today:)
since enxin was getting my birthday present somewhere in orchard, i followed her down, since i was going to that area too, to find my girlf. hahaha.
i met her on the train, where she passed me my shirt. LOL, the person who packed the shirt is sooooo comical - she packed it in a brown envelope, and enxin looked like she was carrying some ransom money for a kidnap. lol...



{ upon closing inspection..

{ it bears my name... it's the ransom money to collect me from the kidnappers... *shudders*

{ & they left their location... omg..

{ woaahhhh..

=.=" no lah! i blogshop thanks. haha. then enxin and i train-ed all the way down to orchard. on the way there, she told me her "adventure" when she went to collect that shirt for me. :)

i told enxin she would be in a white top with black striped shorts. so enxin went to tampines like i asked her to. the venue they were going to meet was outside a guardian shop.
however, enxin forgot! she walked in and out of the store, until 6 minutes passed. fed up, she stood by the mrt map, waiting. she looked around for anybody wearing a black striped shorts. apparently she forgot about the top, and she just looked around for the shorts.
then she noticed the person she was standing beside was wearing exactly black striped shorts. lo and behold! she found the person and collected the shirt. and almost forgot to pay.

HAHAA, i laughed so hard my stitches hurt. =.="... lol, and we crapped so much on the train that i was so sure we were the main cause of the sudden noise pollution. :D i feel my usage of the english language improving, :)

we reached orchard at 4.14pm, and we stoned in the station until 4.30pm.. where we kept calling her, but to no avail. *shrugs*




anyways, the girl smsed enxin to meet her at lavender, since she was stuck at the ica building. i think she's making her IC this year, :o the girl let enxin have the belt at a cheaper price since xD i made enxin tell her "oh... okay... then do i still pay $__?" haha..
while she was meeting the other girl, i went off to find my girlf. WOW, justin is the redtard! hahaa, so loved please. :)

anyway, thanks enxin!
i love you girlf xD
& also the pigtards!

th current earbug the pigtards are loving ;;
Nada Sou Sou by Hayley Westenra
with loves from ; greentard (:

hey, i'm looking out for my stargirl. :)

& it's a shame shame shame..

i think i'm in love with my blogskin. hmm, actually i AM. hahaha. :D i've got good news people! my swell's kinda like, i think, gone down. WOO~ but it's still there. i'll have to take care of it, so that it won't be so fugglingly big at around 2pm.
actually. yesterday i visited the W/C 10 times. OMG lah.. but girlf's worser. goes to the W/C on the average of 10 times per day. this shows that i'm normal. haha. if i'm lucky, and i always am, i'll be able to go out later. & that means, you guys will have pictures to see though actually my words and the pictures make no difference because you can see a picture in my words^^"~
YESYES, the swell has gone down. if you poke me, i'll scream. yeh.. i'm risking this.. i'm going out into the world filled with bacteria that can rot my wound just to find girlf & ddr okay... t(-.-t) haha.
(my music player's been playing all ddr tracks like since i started this post. i don't know why luh. maybe it's a sign for me to go out? )

LOL I APOLOGISE FOR SUPER LAME PICTURES^^"~~

if you want to be noticed, you gotta learn to break some hearts.

back to the nightmare of eating soft food for a week.. :( i'm reliving the nightmare on 3rd august.. haha. T.T
it's still swollen! omg.. :( haha. but i think i'll be able to heal just as fast, as i did the other time. :) you see, my immune system is like super strong i can't fall sick so my normal healing rate is x2, compared to normal people. because i want to go out to meet girlf tmr, and the swell is really fucking huge & obvious, i'm trying to make my healing rate x4, for girlf's sake.. xD which i hope will work. ^^
i have been coping well with my wound, & my mother bought me munchy's, LOL.

& i've been to the W/C 6 times alre. [8 times, as of 7.30pm today] zz, what, the injection hit some nerve in my brain that triggered me to visit the W/C 6 times today? =.=" i don't drink that much water too.. for like the past 2 weeks. lol.

& PLEASE PEOPLE. LEAVE ME A TAG IF YOU DROP BY. CUZ I DONT LIKE PEOPLE JUST READING OFF MY BLOG AND THEN LEAVING, WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING YAH. MAKES ME FEEL LIKE PUTTING A STOP TO UPLOADING PICTURES.

hanging onto your rope; got me ten feet off the ground.

hey guys.. i'm resting from my surgery:) that's why i'm not in sch today^^ but it freaking hurts... & it's swollen like i've got mumps. eew. the wound's much bigger this time that's why it swelled much more horribly, compared to the previous one. =.=" i hope i can heal by tomorrow morning, so i can go out and ddr with fwb! : D but i doubt that's possible.. :( it's hurting so much please..

i went for my dental appointment on tuesday. i'll show you the range of colours we, people with braces, get to choose. :)

{ c'est magnifique!


{ i had trouble deciding which shade matched more of my clothes.


{ i saw a green which thought girlf might like, & didn't match me. colour not true to image.


{ & thought maybe red might match my black closet.


{ :) somehow i find the colours that melt from pink > purple very fascinating.



i got back all my results. i'm fucking disappointed please. i wanted an A for english and literature, but bloody hell, i didn't. despite all the other oh-so-random-but-passable scores, i'm still disappointed. english and literature are like, my strong points. oh well, forget it. it just shows that it's true.

jack of all trades, master of none.

(the results for the EOYs only.)
english: i don't know the overall score, but i got a C.
maths: 85.5/100 lol
chinese: 42/100 :D
science: 54.5/100 :(
literature: i don't know the actual score, but i got a C.
art: i know A1.. as what enxin said. my art's very good cans.
geog: 60/100 ..

i rmb i scored 49.9/100 for history. fuck that history teacher! don't even wanna round it off. fuck you bitch, i know you use botox.

edit: i heard from enxin that the antelope actually rounded off my marks, and i passed chinese. =.=".. zzz, why help me lols. i really hope my maths mark will pull up my overall maths marks cuz i've been flunking my class tests LOL.