Tuesday, July 8, 2008

'cause it's nine in the afternoon, and your eyes are the size of the moon.

TODAY was just a pretty odd day. i left the house with janet jackson song stuck in my head, went around school with marie digby's 'say it again', and headed home with '9 in the afternoon' by panic! at the disco. ._. yeah i know it's just plain old `panic at the disco` without the ! mark anymore :(
i managed to watch wanted! and this leaves me with hellboy II and hancock. mmm. i want to watch 10 promises to my dog again. seriously, it's the only show that made me cry. -_-v~~
so anyway. i'm getting scolded for not updating my blog! gosh! alright here's the update you wanted! which reminds me. i've got a story to tell. :)


I remember the day started off pretty well. Like any other normal day, the only dreaded item was my bag. As I headed off to school with all my science and math books, i received a text message from an unknown number.
'Hope you trip and fall and break all your bones! Your pathetic existence is not needed on the face of this earth because bitches like you deserve to be fucked and murdered!' it read.
Rolling my eyes, I sighed and wondered what I'd done to deserve this, because all I did was to make friends. I slipped the phone into my pocket and walked to school.

Today could also be counted as one of the best days of my life. She was finally talking to me! Or at the very least, acknowledging my existence. Deep down inside, this inexplicable bubble of joy burst and if it were in a cup it would be overflowing. I have never felt this happy ever since three years ago.
When she excused herself, I continued with my math question but somehow, all ability to answer the question just died. I looked up and watched her get pulled away by a group of girls...

I do have a few friends, and when I say 'few', I really mean 'few'. Raise up your hand and put down one finger, because that is the number of friends that even know I exist. What would you do if you were me - Would you die? Would you create a wall around yourself? Or would you bravely soldier through this with these four friends?
As I was leaving the classroom after classes, I heard her voice outside. Deciding not to interrupt her conversation, I stepped behind a wall and inevitably overheard her conversation.

"Why're you hanging out with her? Is she better than us?"

"No! It's not that!" She defended. "I just happened to be talking to her!"

"She's nothing but a trouble! She will be your friend in this moment but in the next, she'll backstab you!"

"You don't even know her, so why're you making false accusations on groundless evidences? She has been your friend for two and a half years now, fuxdamnit. If you think you're any better than her, go take a look in the mirror."

It went so quiet outside for a moment I thought it'd ended, so I walked out of the class briskly, as if nothing ever happened... but just when I stepped out, all I saw was their faces...

Hi, I'm Vanessa and I'm 15. Seriously, somebody. Tell me what I've done wrong...

What if I lead the way?
What if I make mistakes
will you be there?
What if I change the world?
What if I take the blame?
will you be there?
What if I change the world?
What if I lead the way?
What if I be the one who takes the blame?
What if I can't go on without you?
What if I graduate?
What if I don't?

done and dead, and proven my worth, there's nothing more to be said about this
reality or dream? things just changed into a state of bliss
i guess apologising will never be accepted, but trying doesn't hurt
so let me take this chance to take afford me comfort

sorry for thinking i could do it, sorry for trying to be what i'm not
days&nights i've tried to be, but all my efforts led to naught
putting on the face that gets me through the day, it is but a daily affair
it's the kind of dream you can never awake from - it's my living nightmare

the gaping hole in my chest is filled with nothing but you
and if it's you that i'd hurt, tell me what am i to do?
oh, such wistful eyes, a fragile tale it brings along
tell me now, truthfully, to where and whom do i really belong?

They all tell me to stop wallowing in self-pity, get a life and move on. But what they don't know is, it hurts to move on. "Change is the only constant in life." Go fuck this sentence yourself! Nobody knows how I feel because nobody even bothers!
I wish I could go back to where everyone was, where nobody cried and nobody lied. If only I could find somebody who understands me, who knows how I feel, because I'm lost. They say that you'll find the light at the end of the tunnel but I don't see the light for my tunnel.
When I crack a joke, I start to feel down. When I emo, I start to fall apart. When I cry, I start to crumble. When I lose control of all I have, I start to lose myself. & I already have lost myself.
I'm really sorry, I couldn't keep your promises. I tried to change myself but nobody appreciated it. I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change. I'm at a loss. I've tried. Hell...

Hi, I'm Demetriel and I'm 17. I think I'm going crazy.

Is there really no way to express my grief?
Without any thoughts of how others'd think.
Too accustomed to the lies i continuously weave,
Things happened too fast; as if in a wink.

Will there be a day where i'll no longer be needed?
Or maybe even forgotten by all.
Have i already be casted & unwanted?
Is anybody out there'll who'll answer my call?


After all that's been said and done, at the end of the day we all realise the same thing - that we are all the same. It is the way we handle things and emotions differently that makes us unique. There's nothing I can say, nothing I can do to help you there, because ultimately it is you who will turn the tables around and make the best out of everyday.

Why are you all quarrelling anyway? What is there for you to quarrel about? Is it over some petty issue, like who's better and who's dumber? Maybe it's just me, but I can't seem to see what's so great about you guys to fuss about. If it is a quarrel that you want, do it in a much more mature way. From my point of view, this is total entertainment because I've been through what you have and if you want a minute to talk to me about this, go ahead! Because I've got a whole damn forever of minutes to spare to you! :)

What are you all being so sad? What has caused you to ponder over for so long? I'm not saying that you can't be this way, or that it's not good for you blahblahblah, because all I'm saying now is that you've got to be strong and stayed focused on whatever that's ahead of you, even if it is the simplest task like going to school.
Everybody has their own way of handling sadness and I've absolutely no right to ask you to do it THIS way or THAT way. Whatever it is, I do hope that you will sober up and stay strong because if I can make it through the fall, you can make it through too. I'll be waiting at the end of the tunnel for you. :)

Now. If I told you the world was ending soon, would you behave like that?


You certainly wouldn't right? Take a look around - the world is dying, and so are we. Nobody knows just when and where would we end so... as everyone knows, 'live everyday like it's the last day of your life.' And live it to the fullest... Be what makes you, you. :)