i never placed my trust in anyone,
til the day that i met you.
you caught me open.
and now im bleeding.

i dont know why it happened,
some things just don't have a reason.
now i carry these scars.
for everyone to see.

i never had a perfect flawless body to begin with.
these scars are nothing in comparison to __;
my heart melted.
and its trickling. away.


(c)-tsukiyume2008

fuck my weakness,
fuck my pride.
fuck the world upside down,
fuck it all.
















































tell me what's a girl to do when her heart is broken but she daren't tell anyone? tell me what's a girl to do when she has broken her guy's heart and can't fix it again? tell me what am i to do, because i'm the one who'd done all those? i'm despicable, aren't i? just because my heart is broken it doesn't give me the right to break others, am i not wrong??? but i just had to test the water, to feel what it's like. i know i've never died before, but... am i such a schadenfreude? i don't even know what i'm doing. am i really that stupid? do i not know where the line is, for others, the line for pain? have i not drawn it out long ago? or has the standard went up by a whole full 5 notches?
i'm sorry i offered you a shattered heart in exchange for the whole heart... i'm just probably a stupid dumbass who is destined to be a loner, outcast...

i tried to be the best i could, it just wasn't enough. i'm still trying. trying to be someone everybody likes. i have never stopped. i guess i'll never be accepted by society, will i? it's a fact that i'll have to accept it sooner or later. there's no point in delaying it... jeffrey tells me that whether u live life happily or sadly, the outcome is still the same. so live life happily. i'm trying to be happy, i want to be happy, i wish to be happy, i yearn to be happy. ... but nothing'll work right?

i'm a freak.

and i'm bloody freaking sorry. it'll never be enough. nothing will.

im sorry about the things i said before

you can choose not to blame me, but you can't stop me from blaming myself. i know i've let you down countless times since the day we met, i'll never be able to satisfy your standards. this letter of apology will probably not mean a thing to you...
i'm sorry i lied about the pride i never had... i'm sorry i still never opened up fully to you. i'm still afraid of the world, even my mother doesn't know me anymore. i know you probably don't trust me anymore, not anything that i say... it's okay... but i will never stop loving you, like i did, from the start, as i promised you eternity. you can let me go, but i'll never let you go.
i'm sorry i shook it too hard, i never thought it'd result in a fall. i didn't mean to drop it, i didn't... i'm sorry i didn't hold it properly enough, i'm sorry that was a promise i wasn't able to fulfil.
i know no amount of apology could probably make up for this, and i'm disgusted at how i let my 400+odd days of fixing you up got trashed in a second. i'm sorry i don't even treasure myself that much. i... am still trying to love myself.
i'll always be the ugly duckling that'll never grow up, and i'll die alone. i don't see myself anywhere past 17.
"i never meant the things i said to make you cry, can i say i'm sorry?
it's hard to forget, and yes i regret, all these mistakes."
sorry this letter is all about "i" and myself defending myself... it's just that... i don't know how else should i open up. do you really want to see what's inside of me? do you? i will, just give me time. i'm still ashamed of who i really am inside. but if you want to i will. i'll do anything for you, if you ask. but ... i won't let you know how much misery i am in, no matter how much pain i'm going through.. i will never let you know... until i can take it no more ...
i shall shed away all the pride i have, until the core. and if i don't, you can choose to reprimand me in anyway you want. i'm a horrible person, worser than you. i just never told you.
there will be no end to this, but... i just want to let you know that i still love you. you can choose to think i'm a hypocrite, a liar, a charlaten... anything. all i know is that, i really do love you. and i mean it, from the bottom of my heart.
my heart is probably hollow... but now it's more than half filled. i want to believe it. i want to.
if i have to suffer a damnation of luck, i will. because i really love you.